How can a fallen angel return to heaven......

[evil_me]

Continously, mouths yapping in the ear of a lost soul,
words mutter such as,
"go and die, sonabich," saying over and over
for years,
"a biches son is worst than shitz," they say,

but wat can it mean to me,

if i can choose how i die, i rather not live at all,
wat kindness is it for death to kill me with words,

they say, for someone like me, perhaps i'll never really live,

"people like you, who can't love, can't make their own life, just die stop wasting our time,"

honestly, when people know your life even before your going to be born,
REALLY sucks,
coming into this world filled with hate, how so unlucky,

there is no one i have yet to meet who can say something nice in this life,

there just isn't in my life,

so much hate, all i can do is live in my dream till i die and return to heaven.....

[Language]

its hard to comment... i felt every word you wrote. 

[evil_me]

sometimes, i toss and turn at night because people who's hate follows me like shadows,
and even when i'm dead silent wanting the words to stop rininging my ear, my heart swallows
so much unwanted, unidentifiable future,
ever so slowly i do feel my soul being burned
by another source of the unknown,

again and again i can hear, they repeatedly say,

"he doesn't belong here, we dont need someone who has been born that isn't even meant to,"

even people who dont even hate me looks at me like i'm going to kill them,

but in fact, do they even know what i have become,

more hate over so many years,

has its consequences,

slowly i begin to slip away from their hate like a snake leaving behind dead skin,

i watch them hating on a dead body of mine,

anyone who can talk to me with a pure heart,

i maybe can conjure enough words to mutter "hi,"

for i am done living in their reality,

i can not hate them, nor love them,

i can only change accordingly as the weather does so i can live....

[evil_me]

i believe i am living in someone else's shoes,
i can't control their life or their future,
or do what i wish i could do,
all i can do is see how lonely i am,
i can't describe the feeling of knowing i'm already dead,
but living on with a life i know its not even meant to be alive,

everyday, every minute, i hear some one say,

*yur not meant to live*

if i am not meant to live,
why am i being a bottle for these emotions,
why am i being accused by the living for living,
and being cursed by the dead...

i can not live knowing there is nothing left to live for,
only here to be a witness and simply perhaps return when time permits.

[yubnag]

 

[evil_me]

sometimes i think my eyes are someone else's,
the evil eyes that stare at me,
that make me hate and while i can not understand,
there is another eye behind those evil ones,
deeply behind hatred there is also those eyes,
that want to continue to help me,
i can't feel them by will but i do feel their presence,
is that wat makes me who i am,
it wants to see me when i am being hated,
it wants to see me when i'm about to kill myself,
and it is also there when i am most alone in this dark world,

but it can't help me

it can only cry for me....

she is those eyes..she who is the one who says *i love you..*

how can i be loved yet so alone, and hated by others at the same time...

all i can ask myself is .............. ....why?

[evil_me]

within all these cries that seek salvation
crys that ache and remembers when step father throws this 10 year old body,
down a 30 step stair way,

among the scares that remain and can't be forgotten,
the worst is when the only person that could of been the one, in the past and
in the future, could of made a difference,
was and still regrettable to this day,
why did it have to be that choice,

giving her the choice to move on,
only because i know it back then and now
i see it as i did back then,
she has a life now,
and i'm glad i didn't stop her for leaving for the better.

So now that scare will not go away,
how can i repair it,
no matter how many tears i use to sew up this scare
it is eternallay embetted into my soul until i die,

b

[evil_me]

does life have but 1 choice to react to thousand others,
one simple choice,
of yes or no,
shapes reality, the mind,
the heart,
and the soul of a person,

but what if that choice can be played out
over a thousand times before it can be real,

let it live over and over again until it isn't a choice anymore,
it just becomes a normal feeling,

such is true to being gf/bf on to wife/ husband,

humans to angels, or human/devils,

light to dark,

peace to chaotic,

all things that evolve, to become greater,

but one thing sets everything in motion,

that is............ .............. .............. .............. ...death..

[evil_me]

this life that leads nowhere,
i beg of no one to help if i was to die a slow and painful drowning death,
what suffering is there left to go through to reach peace,
i will encounter all that is objective in my path,
but i believe the one who can cure ones pain,
is the will to live onward with no regretts,
no matter what luck comes by,
even if it means suffering with just seeing the world,
with no feelings, with no words,

the will to live, perhaps may even scare death aaaawayyy...al ong the way.

[evil_me]

once in this life time is enough,
so much pain to feel,
so much love to desire,
and all we can do is slowly watch,
become sorry witnesses for every second that we miss the chances.